Category Archives: Satirical

Leading the Crown

Aechena – Helgrim Enterprises has landed a stunningly, brilliant deal with the Draugr Fleet. Through this lucrative deal, Helgrim is now contracted to construct one-thousands ships for the Draugr Fleet stationed in the Duchy of the High Seas. The contract signed by King Adam Rhyne details that upon completion Helgrim will receive amount owing, plus bonuses and crafters’ will be allowed a ‘night of consultations’ with the King’s Consort Count Edwin Salle. In the contract Consort Duchess and Chief Executive Officer of Helgrim Enterprises Rheika Hart received a personal bonus, twenty coastal parcels in the County of Penrith and the removal of Lord Commander Alaric Stonehammer, true Duke of Aechena.

Many of the other guilds who auctioned their tenders were stunned at the gracious terms; except for King Rhyne’s impassioned offering of Count Edwin Salle. Who is being renowned for his community charities such as – No Clothes, No Shoes, Full Service a brothel in the County of Bhailedar, and a bestselling book called Taking a Tip: How to Earn the Trust of a King. The favorable terms of the contract has raised eyebrows, ca using questions to stir throughout the Kingdom of Vornair’s guilds and schools. With the leaders of Mercava, The Forge Bound Association and Esotericum demanding an inquiry. Chief Nathecat said that, “These [contractual] terms are favoritism through-and-through by the High Council and King Adam Rhyne. We [Mercava] have proven our quality and skills, and are still being limited by this corrupted rating scheme.”

This initially benign system, was to better facilitate kingdom-level contracts. The Guild Reputation System was led by the High Council, specifically the Maester of Resources Lexidus Havenspire. However, utilizing the relationship and leadership shared by the Duchy of Aechena and Helgrim, Helgrim’s contractual reputation soared by receiving contracts, and subsequent ratings from Aristocracy and Nobility within Helgrim. A contract review from Count Viktor Galliand stated, “Great Job. Ordered nothing, but showed up almost on time.” Another, Duke Alaric Stonehammer listed, “Excellent! I received two-hundred pairs of socks… I ordered two-hundred swords…” Both of which, along with many more gave full recommendations to future contractors. Using her influence over the High Council, and proximity to King Adam Rhyne, Consort Duchess Rheika Hart and Helgrim Enterprises thrive under this reprehensible system even after the cost of bribes, and political offerings.

To the disillusionment of guilds and schools across the Kingdom of Vornair these reputation systems remain. Helgrim Enterprises seems to be the embodiment of favoritism, and monopolization in the Kingdom of Vornair. Benefiting from the near familial ties to the King and Queen, these systems and policies of bias and limited oversight will surely continue. This influence has also festered in the High Council as well, with Duchess Rheika Hart spreading whispers of treasonous deceit against the Dukes and Duchesses of Vornair.

The whispers of a ones peasant trader have amassed to falter the foundation of a kingdom.  

Turmoil in King Richfort’s Reign

Kairos In the midst of a financial crisis, the streets of Val’Praem were lined with thousands of people marching in protest to the cuts of public dental care. Chants raged through the streets exclaiming, “We need a crown, funding is down.” The tribe centered in this controversy are the To’resk. A tribe plagued with horrendous pain that could occur from simple acts, such as: eating, talking and singing.

These political qualms aren’t foreign to the To’resk having had public displays of affection known as ‘nibbling’ banned by royal decree only months ago by King Thared Richfort. During the dentistry protests Reja Tuth-ak stated, “This is a kingdom-wide travesty our taxes or medical infrastructure is swamped by these people.” While, at another dental protest Mikel Rutn’tof declared, “This is a basic right. We are the work force of this kingdom, and we demand rights for our health [dental care].” In protest against these tribal laws To’resk around the kingdom celebrated in mass public nibbling.

Unable to suppress and imprison all the To’resk local authorities pulled their forces. With looming debt and tribal tensions flaring the Kingdom of Kairos was inundated with flyers and banners from foreign entities.From the Kingdom of Bordweall, “Have an unnatural love of walls? Come to Bordweall! Because that’s all we have!” and Duchy of Artiaur, “Lonely, single male wanted! Duchess Aleerayn Aritaur Harem Recruitng. Most be obedient, provide own restraints and always talk back.”

It is unsure how King Thared Richfort will respond to such overwhelming controversy and unrest within Kairos.

The Pauper Queen

SaorsaSitting in a tower of great opulence a Queen ponders. Her name is Queen Violet Winterlynn from the Kingdom of Alésia. Titled through vanity and holding a weak power, only granted by King Phyllian, over her citizens; whispers of revolt emerged in the cracks of her falling crown. Rejecting the wise counsel of her citizens. Queen Violet Winterlynn demanded more from her people, she demanded taxes for castles and cathedrals; land for baths and parks; titles for betrayal and defiance; and the lives of those who stood against her reign.

The demand for personal luxury and grandeur went too far. Soon, citizens would notice their taxes being hauled off to the palace and held in Queen Violet Winterlynn’s coffers. Remembering a raid Owen Porma’an stated, “Knights of the regime [Queen Violet’s Guards] came and stole it all… Even the crumbs of a loaf… even our undergarments…”

Even zealots for her reign weakened, turning against her due to whispers that became thunderous voices of rebellion. Inciting swift punishment from the Queen. Recalling a haunting night Count Jaxiel Astris stated, “My lovely [Countess] Gorawyn was taken by the regime [Queen Violet]. I pray to Virtori that I may see her again….” Rumors swirled about the disappearance of Countess Gorawyn Ashla at the hands of Queen Violet Winterlynn. Some reporting it was brought on by Gorawyn’s rival beauty and heart for the people, others thought Violet simply wanted Count Jaxiel’s obedience for herself, another rumored that this was Houses Ashla and Astris’ punishment for wanting the Duchy of Saorsa.

Riots at the gate

Riots at the gates of Saorsa

Soon the iron-fist which Queen Violet rose against her people, betrayed even her. As nobles refused to pay taxes, and citizens rioted. It was the beginning of the end of the now infamous Pauper Queen.

Forging an Empire: PAX Council

Vornair – It is with pleasure we divulge breaking news from the Kingdom of Vornair for our readers. It happened a week to the day at the beautiful Sportello tavern. The bachelor party of King Adam Rhyne and Duke Morbis Alabast. The two were lovingly surrounded by merriment and drink, alongside the High Council, Dukes and Duchess. Also, attending was King Rhyne’s long time friend, the King of Fortuna. Absent from the event was the Duke of Zylphania and Fehu who begrudgingly accepted the administrative duties of the kingdom. Truly, Duke Bombastus did all of the work, as Duke Cardan slinked away to probe the local brothels.

A spectacular course meal lined the tables, Aesir Barbazu Heimdallr stated that “the potato gnocchi and sorbet were lovely,” at least I think so, the tavern maid halted serving Count Heimdallr soon after. With Duke Bälen present, drinking turned into playful shenanigans as the bear pack came out. While a more dubious corner led by Chief Justicar Anders Kastanjj, who arrived late, lounged, tempting to find spies and werewolves; I don’t think he did too well.

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PAX Council Meeting (image courtesy of the Fortuna Freedom Guild)

After hours the party swiftly ended and the pursuit of an empire had begun. Reportedly, a representative of the Kingdom of Alésia, Count Edwin Salle was also present. However, the representative didn’t have enough influence to enter the forum. With Duke Morbis resting on King Rhyne’s lap, elegantly twirling his beard. Both Kings took out their rosters and maps to focus on consolidating the Kingdom of Fortuna into the Empire of Vornair. This meeting allowed us to discover the true reason for the Kingdom of Fortuna’s negligible efforts in recruitment, because it was never meant to exist alone.

For on this day a wedding did occur, the merging of Fortuna and Vornair and the creation of Elyria’s first empire.

 

You’re Fired!!!

Phyillian Shows Violet Out

His Royal Highness King Phyllain showing Duchess Violet the door.

With stunning efficiency and charisma Violet Winterlynn recruited hundreds of citizens, supporting the rise of the Kingdom of Alésia. However, the campaign for winning the hearts and minds of the Free Kingdom has ended. With his first royal decree King Phyllian has declared via a tweeting pigeon that “Zhin Khovi, Duchess of Rhyddid, will become the new Queen. She will do a great, great job! Thank you Violet Winterlynn for your services. Continuing “Taxes will now increase fivefold in Saorsa to payback previous royal expenditures, and all research during her reign from the dual academies are now royal property.” This surprising decree shocked both citizens and titleholders causing riots and clashes over who had worn the best coronation gown. Even so, some swiftly accepted Queen Zhin, imploring her ability to “take charge” and  “competency as a leader”. However, during protests citizens were found chanting “She’s not our Queen!” and “another false Queen!”
These fractures, and paranoia of King Phyllian seem to be spreading into the heart of policies and politics of the Kingdom of Alésia. No matter the reason, the movement of high-ranking title holders will seem to continue. It is whispered that King Phyllian will ask Duke Varuian Maulvorn to step down from the Church of Thearyn, who will be replaced by Buttercup Flickerhoof his once trusted steed.

Royal Scribe Wanted

With continued exasperation and muffled groans from advisors and nobility, and numerous missed Charter meetings. King Dleatherus of Bordweall has now posted, several times, a Royal Scribe title to aid in remembering. The charter reads:

Due to necessity and realm stability a new charter has been posted. The individual claiming this charter must incessantly follow King Dleatherus to ensure all wandering and rambling are left to a minimum. That all major policy discussions and meetings are transcribed, and copies are left in the King’s facilities to allow for ample re-reading. Ensure that at least three short period naps are had daily; that the King is wearing clothing, including the correct ceremonially attire; and sufficient amount of forewarnings are provided ahead of meetings.

 

Mayoress Kitlandria Bokest, a fellow host of the Bordweall Broadcasting Company stated, “I think it is a bit too much. He [King Dleatherus] is more than capable, and I only ever caught him napping in his plague mask  a dozen or so times during the show.” Some are thankful for the title posting, Count Elbereth Cedargore saying, “I am grateful to see that the King is receiving additional help. I’m not sure I ever want to see the royal staff again.”

Those wanting to claim this royal title, should remember to visit the Kingdom of Bordweall.